Monday, May 14, 2012

Cleveland' Horseshoe Casino Opens Tonite

Grand opening 5-14-12
...and as usual Cleveland manages to find a way to embarrass its residents. My friend John said it best, "Only in Cleveland. But who needs to provide education when you've got this brand spankin' new casino?"

Or is that the Privet family knows how to party?

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

How to Catch a Thief in Parma

It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."
Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.

Party at Walmart

I had no idea that there were tailgate parties in Walmart's parking lot!

Why Dinosaurs are Extinct!

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Woman Begs For Help From Dear Abby About Her Lying, Cheating Husband


Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning. When I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating!

Also, since he lost his job several years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does is sit around the living room in his underwear and watch TV while I work to pay the bills.

And since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me. He keeps calling me a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed Clueless



Dear Clueless:

Dump him. You're the Secretary of State now. You don't need him anymore.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

The People of WalMart~OMG


Okay.... I can't help it, these are too funny!

You have to get there early if you want a good seat!
Please let that be mud......
I bet the fat kid is getting more cake....
Ask all King's horses and all the King's men .....why did they put her back together again?!

In these economic times, even the Walmart smiley face needs a second job!
Here is the ringleader of the circus known as Walmart!
"Does this outfit make me look fat?"
Stop shopping in the skinny girl section!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Litttle Things to Make Life More Interesting

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."

4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."

8. Practice making fax and modem noises.

9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.

10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."

12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.

13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it
that way."

16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.

17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.

18. Honk and wave to strangers.

19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.

20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

21. type only in lowercase.

22. dont use any punctuation either

23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.

"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

27. Ask people what gender they are.

28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

30. Sing along at the opera.

31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter
something about "psychological profiles."

FUNNY PICTURE Du JOUR

FUNNY PICTURE Du JOUR
What the hell is that supposed to be?

QUOTES OF THE DAY

A year ago today, Barack Obama was elected president. It's been a year, can you believe that?

A lot has happened in one short year - Obama's slogan has gone from, "Yes, we can," to "Wow, this is freakin' hard."

- Conan O'Brien


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The number of Americans who are obese now outnumber the number of Americans who are merely overweight. One-third of all Americans are obese.

You know what that means? One out of every three people is three people.

----Jay Leno



Barack Obama says one of the first things he'll do as president is sign an executive order closing down Guantanamo Bay.

To which President Bush said, "Hey, well that's nothing. I've closed down factories, car dealerships..."

--- Jay Leno


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"They have miscalculated me as a leader."
George Bush Westminster, California 9-13-2000

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Toyota is developing a miniature, environmentally friendly car that is powered entirely by a rechargeable battery.

Meanwhile, Detroit is still hard at work on an SUV that runs on rain forest trees and Panda blood.

---Conan O'Brien

____________________________


Hillary Clinton says she's willing to debate Barack Obama "anytime, anywhere" and would even meet him in the back of a truck.
Which is surprising, because the "anytime, anywhere, even in the back of a truck" offer is usually made by Bill Clinton.----
-----Conan O'Brien


A book called "My Beautiful Mommy" helps children cope with their mother having plastic surgery.
The book was originally titled "Why Is Mommy Always Smiling Like That?"---------Jim Barach